I have a new morning routine: when I let Banjo out first thing, I begin the short ritual of tending to my garden. It starts with my bending at the waist to pick up a new red plastic watering can shaped like a wingless origami crane, and deeply inhaling as I straighten up from the earth. My furry companion leans his quivering truffle nose towards the watering can as I fill it from the hose, and quietly watches me before curving away to begin his own morning routine of sniffing out the best bathroom spot.
Just before eight o’clock, the air is hazy with the promise of another hot day. Tiny birds chatter See you! See you! Banjo looks over and blinks at the bubbling roar of the hose filling the watering can. The splashing water moistens the air, and now the dessicated grass smells sweetly of hay. My plants, snug in their organic soil — soft dirt that is rich with worm casings, bat guano, and chicken manure — each greet me in their own olfactory language.
There’s Lorenzo the Basil, a “not for repotting” supermarket rescue. He isn’t quite strong enough to greet me, but he’s definitely perked up since being transferred to better soil. I have high hopes of him one day contributing to a glorious pesto.
Sophie the Sage, Rupinder the Rosemary, Clémence the Lemon Thyme, and Nancy Boy the French Lavender were all bought from a nice man at a fragrant stall at the Escondido Farmer’s Market — alongside what might be the best damn samosas this side of the Atlantic.
Tonight’s supper of red snapper had a little Clémence je ne sais quoi thrown in the mix — a floral perfume that hovered beautifully. Sophie, ever wise, wants in, and chants her mantra of pumpkin ravioli or anything butternut squash-related. Rupinder is a classy dame who will lend herself very nicely to all sorts of roasted Mediterranean delights, but she’s tough ole bird and will graciously wait to be plucked. Meanwhile Nancy Boy reminds me that s/he will be quite lovely blended with salt or coaxed into a simple syrup to liven up a bourbon.




Niña the Chocolate Mint was bought with the watering can from a ubiquitous retail warehouse, and has all sorts of aspirations. She begs me to rub her leaves between my fingers. I’m sure all sorts of lovely confections can be crafted with her help; but tonight’s treat will be an after-dinner tisane.

Spike the Aloe Vera and Mummy Penny the Jade also came from a rival retail warehouse where they helped advise me on the soil. Spike promises to soothe burnt fingers and any of Banjo’s rashes, whereas Mummy Penny promises to look good and, hopefully, bring a little wealth. They are both tiny — plants to hold in the palm of your hand and croon over.


And then there’s Pepper Lauri the Habanero Chili, the original plant. A present from new friends, she is blooming magnificent. I counted no fewer than 25 chillies the other day, and they swell and turn yellower by the day. I am all the more fond of her for having rescued her from the evil aphids that started a sap-sucking colony amidst her tender young leaves. Back off, aphids, those chillies are mine! (Here I should probably thank the trickle of ants for alerting me to this problem — thanks, ants!)

At this point, you might be thinking inhaling the cool, earthy scent of the soil has turned me bat shit crazy. Why else would I name my plants? I am an unapologetic anthropomorph, to be sure, but… plants? The answer is actually far more banal than you might imagine.
See, I have only ever known myself to be a lousy gardener. Despite protests and kind words of encouragement from my earth mama friends, Imu and Elle, who each gave me beautiful, specially chosen, easy-to-care-for, hell, abandon-them-and-they’ll-flourish-there’s-no-way-you-can-fail succulents / air plants to counter my horticultural bad luck, my black thumbs sprouted like a dirty-good-for-nothing weed of the most persistent variety.
But I am determined that good will prevail. I reckon we all might be in with a chance, thanks to the good California weather smiling on us. But why not improve the odds by caring for my plants as I would a pet? I will remember to water those that need regular feeding, and be more mindful of those who don’t.
I might stop short of giving each green friend a voice, but I reserve the right to talk to ‘em — it’s a scary world out there, filled with mould, fungi, creepy-crawlies, worm casings, guano and chicken shit, but as ye reap… I’ll let you know how we all get on.

P.S. I should mention that I am looking for recipes featuring chillies. At 100,000–350,000 on the Scoville scale, Habaneros are one of the hottest chillies in the world — twice as hot as a Thai Bird’s Eye; ten times hotter than a jalapeño. What the hell am I going to do with dozens of fiery chillies?
Tagged as:
Banjo,
California,
Friends & Family,
Green Thumbs,
Herbs & Spices,
Plants
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